I used to say “OMG..I’m 50! ” Now I say – “I can’t believe I’m 54”. It the grand scheme of life its still young. I still have a 12 yr old (soon to be 13) child. I look around, I have friends in their 20’s and 30’s and 40’s. I don’t feel any different then them. I lift weights with them, I run with them, I eat with them, I drink with them. I work out 5 to 6 days a week with them But when I get up in the morning and I look in the mirror..I wonder who she is, where did she come from? Her skin is dry, there are wrinkles – more each day, her hair is no longer oily. There are spider veins on her thighs and each time she bangs her hand against something it bleeds. When did all of this happen? I don’t feel like that woman who looks back at me every morning. I wonder when I’m with some of my younger friends if they see that woman I see in the mornings..I wonder if they see the woman that I FEEL I am. When my husband looks at me, am I still desirable or just comfortable? Am I sexier than I was in my 30’s because of my experiences, my ability to tolerate more, my maturity, my appreciation for value of life. Do I work harder now to be presentable more than I did even 10 years ago…yes. Although I never have worn makeup, I am careful most days to choose something to wear than shows I do care. Little things to think about..like clothing styles and even admiration of the opposite sex have boundaries. I can’t see at all without my glasses and my teeth are changing. I’m starting to forget things like names more quickly.
Where did I go? Am I the same person? Am I better? Do I try to slow this down or do I embrace it as one more journey in life? I’m grateful today for my health, I’m grateful today for yesterday…..I’m not really sure yet how I feel about the natural progression of things tomorrow, except that my curiosity says I want to live and find out.