Re-Post of Blog I Wrote in May (because I was feeling it again!)

One can make themselves crazy if they spend a day online researching adoption.

What IS adoption? Is it right? Is it wrong? Have Adoption Professionals created such an industry that they can’t be trusted? Why does it cost money? Who deserves to be able to adopt? What is a Birth Mom? What is an Expectant Mom? Where is the father and what do you mean you don’t know who he is? What are his rights? Are mom’s coerced in to relinquishing? Could they parent if they were provided with resources? Were they provided counseling? Were they provided housing? Were they provided respite? Did they get bought off because you offered assistance with expenses? Should pre -birth expenses be offered to mom’s , or does this make them feel responsible to place after delivery? Should families meet with mom’s? Is it a good idea to establish a relationship and have an open honest dialogue? Should adoption be an option? Should all women just parent? What about drug use? Mental illness? Does it matter whether she has family support? What are her reasons for wanting to do this? Does she have a criminal history? Where are her other children? Are they healthy? Can we look at pictures of her and them? Why hasn’t she gone to any prenatal visits? Can’t we make her do that? Can we require drug screening? How did she find you? Why did she pick us? What if she decides not to go through with the adoption plan? What do we call a woman who has relinquished? A birth mom, a first mom, a mom? DO we celebrate two different days for moms?

Do all adopted children feel like they don’t belong? Do all adopted children feel like they “owe it to their adoptive parents to be gracious and not ask questions about birth family? Do all adopted kids who were exposed to drugs in utero have ADHD or learning disabilities? Do all adopted children grow up hating that they were adopted? Do adopted children always end up having an identity crisis?

Do all adoptive parents feel “entitled”? Do all adoptive parents lie to birth moms telling them they will have an open adoption and then close it up? Are all adoptive parents Saints? Do all women who can’t get pregnant think they deserve to adopt a child? Should all women not able to achieve a pregnancy be allowed to adopt? Should families who can’t have children through pregnancy adopt only children from foster care who are already waiting for homes? Should adoptive families have to pay professional fees for the work done in an adoption? And should should be able to set these fees? Should adoptive families be able to pick and choose from situations or should there be a waiting list that when your number is called that is your child?

What about adoption professionals – should they get paid for the work that they do or should it all be volunteer? Should adoption facilitators and attorneys all be non profit? Should the expectant mom pay for services instead of the adoptive family? (would this remove the impression of coercion?) What should be the role of the adoption professional? Do agencies, attorneys and facilitators talk women into placement? Are there any ethical reputable professionals and what qualifications make that so?

My opinion, and believe me there are a thousand and one opinions for any direction we take in this. There are anti adoption blogs and pro adoption blogs, there are blogs and forums for women who have placed that are furious that they did and there are groups that continue to be happy with their decision, there are adoptee organizations, blogs and forums for individuals who are proud of adoption and have gone on to work in it and of course those that feel that everything that is wrong in life is because of adoption. There are agencies, attorneys, consultants and facilitators who we are happy to work with everyday and those who we have learned to stay away from.

I believe adoption has to be an option. I believe that there are women who get pregnant that can never -ever be a parent, and that there are women once provided some support will create loving environments for their children. I believe there are people who want to adopt who will be the best parents ever and should be given an opportunity to do this through adoption and there are parents who want to adopt that I hope never have the opportunity. I do not believe adoption should be FREE. I believe that if a women needs some assistance to help her live at a normal comfortable standard while pregnant, she deserves that. I believe that whenever possible an adoption should be open and children can love and be loved by many. I believe that women deserve respect for coming to terms that they are not able to care for an individual on a daily basis 365 days a year and forever because that is what parenting is, and that should be supported – not shamed. I believe that because a woman makes an adoption plan does not mean that she will always be comfortable with this choice, that she will be sad, that when she sees pictures of her baby she will wish she was raising her/him. I also believe that acknowledging this does not mean that she should have not chosen adoption, or that if someone had provided resources instead of adoption information she could be parenting. When it all comes down to it…..

I strongly believe adoption has to be an option. I also believe that it can and is a healthy option in many circumstances for all involved. I say this as a mom through adoption, an adoption professional and a person who has worked in child welfare. A person who has worked with many women..who aren’t ready now and may never be – to parent. Parenting isn’t a right like a driver’s license. Children are not possessions, whether biological or adopted.

So I’m not asking for any one’s opinion about any of this. I am proud of my beliefs. I am not interested in being PC to fit in. I believe in adoption!

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