Adoption has to be made an option for women. I know that most non profits, agencies and treatment facilities feel that parenting and reunification is the best and only option for women, that’s it’s best for families to stay together, but at whose expense and what cost to the children? In treatment or child welfare..more often than not I hear professionals say that these women need their children so that they can get better, to make recovery more attainable. The burden is then placed on the child for recovery and reunification. It works for some but not all, and personally – I think those women were going to make it anyway. What if we looked at it from the child’s point of view? What if we asked..Instead of assuming that keeping this family together is the right and only thing to do for THIS child? Where would that take us? What if we didn’t make adoption the last option? What if we changed society’s view of adoption, and made it a positive thing? Would more women be willing to make the choice? Would more women feel better about making the choice? Would more people support this choice? Would children have a better sense of belonging and sense of self?
We have a sibling here this weekend of two of our children. She was born 4 years before the boys. At the time of their adoption she was living with her father. She was actually raised by his brothers and sisters. She doesn’t have a relationship with her mother, only anger. When I asked her if it bothered her that her brothers were chosen to have an adoption plan and she wasn’t ..her reply was that basically she was given away. It wasn’t a formal adoption, but if not for her dad’s brothers and sisters she would not have had anyone. She loves her uncles for taking care of her and appreciates their love and understanding but I see she feels alone. Each of our children’s birth-mothers have a similar history. Each family states their gratitude for adoption, knowing that these women could not have or can not now take care of their children, in a way that children need to be taken care of. I’m not talking about wealth of possessions but basic warmth and nurturing. So why do we as a society feel like everyone should have these instincts? Why do we as an evolved species feel the need to force women into taking care of children because we think they should? My hope is that these questions can generate some discussions. Family preservation is important and should always be a priority – but why not include adoption into the equation? We marry and become a family that is not made of blood. Why can’t two families come together through adoption and make the child the reason, the focus, the priority?


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