Adoption – A Man’s perspective

This weeks blog is written by My Husband Dean:

I will preface this by saying this is my perspective on adoption and being an adoptive father. I am going to be brutally honest – if I offend anyone it is not my intention

I am only one man so I cannot of course speak for all men this is just how I see it…

I am an adoptive Dad – My oldest is 18 – Kyle – Rick and Reno are 17 – and Kaylee is 7. My wife and I were present for Kyle’s birth (she in the delivery room – me in the waiting room), Rick and Reno were 4 months old when we brought them home and Kaylee was a Foster child we brought home from the hospital when she was 2 months old.

When my wife first brought up adoption I must admit I was not real excited about the prospect. We had tried unsuccessfully for several years to get pregnant and also tried two cycles of IVF. When she first brought up adoption I thought to myself, “I don’t want somebody else’s child – I want MY child – my flesh – my blood “. I don’t think I told her that – I kept it to myself. I thing this may be a reaction many men have when faced with the possibility of becoming an adoptive father. I don’t think this is as much a problem for our better halves – The Wife / Mom. Women are obviously much more maternal about children and I don’t think they ever consider it a problem. My thought is that Men have this problem because

1) According to “Society”- The Man is supposed to carry on his family blood line

2) They just don’t want “Someone else’s Child”.

So when did this feeling go away? You ask. For me – I struggled with it probably right up until our Son Kyle was born. I’m not saying it was a huge concern but it definitely was in the back of my mind, would I be able to bond with this child and be able to love him as my own. Much to my relief and surprise this feeling did go away. When? The very first time held my son Kyle – it was like I never had a doubt – I never ever doubted again that I could love him as my own. Will this be the case for every adoptive father – maybe – maybe not – but I would guess it is the point you as a father will love your child like nothing else.

Another concern you may have as and adoptive Father is “Loss of Control”. This is a concern that affects Women as well as Men when it comes to the adoption process. It really depends on your personality – are you what might be termed a “Control Freak”.. One of the – shall I say “Exciting” things about the adoption process is it is always changing, sometimes quickly – sometimes slowly – sometimes in your favor – sometimes not. The most important thing you must ALWAYS remember is – you are NOT always in control. It’s all happening so FAST! Some times the adoption process can take off like a Rocket – you may not be entirely ready or not be completely sure of the situation but you have to prepare yourself to let go, have faith in whatever higher power you choose. If you are a “Control Freak” you need to take a deep breath and get OVER it. You cannot control the matching process – you have roll with it and be willing to endure many ups and downs. Once you are matched – Birth parents can be difficult, they can make surprise decisions or demands, they can change their minds. All of this, is for the most part out of your control. You have to be willing and able to “Roll With It!

Dollar$ and sense! An adoption is going to cost HOW much!! I think Men might have more of a problem with the cost of adoption – I’m not sure why and I may be wrong, just my opinion. The quickest and easiest way for me to break it down is this. Adoptions can be expensive! Lawyers, Facilitators, Agencies, Birth Mother expenses – these can all add up to a daunting amount of money. I ask adoptive families to look at it this way – what kind of car do you drive? How much did it cost? How many cars do you own? I am in no way saying you should compare a child to a car or am I suggesting you are buying a child. I just want you to put the cost into a perspective that is easier to relate. In this day and age it’s very easy to spend 50 – 60 even $80K dollars on a car. This should help you justify a $20K – $30K overall adoption expense. Again I am not comparing your car to your child – just putting the expense into perspective.

Bottom line – are you making the right decision? Is adoption for you and your wife? You probably have cursed the fact that you and your wife could not get pregnant. I prefer to look at it from a much different angle. I thank the heavens above that my Wife and I could not get pregnant! Yes I am so thankful! Why you ask? For the simple but amazing fact that if we had been able to get pregnant, I never would have met my children! They would be alive and in this world but I never would have met them, never would have held them, never would have loved them! Honestly that blows my mind and gives me chills all at once. Take a second and ponder … somewhere there is a child, he or she might not even have been born yet, a child that is not from your sperm or your wife’s egg. That child is yours and you don’t even know it!

Adoption – A Man’s perspective

I will preface this by saying this is my perspective on adoption and being an adoptive father. I am going to be brutally honest – if I offend anyone it is not my intention

I am only one man so I cannot of course speak for all men this is just how I see it…

I am an adoptive Dad – My oldest is 18 – Kyle – Rick and Reno are 17 – and Kaylee is 7. My wife and I were present for Kyle’s birth (she in the delivery room – me in the waiting room), Rick and Reno were 4 months old when we brought them home and Kaylee was a Foster child we brought home from the hospital when she was 2 months old.

When my wife first brought up adoption I must admit I was not real excited about the prospect. We had tried unsuccessfully for several years to get pregnant and also tried two cycles of IVF. When she first brought up adoption I thought to myself, “I don’t want somebody else’s child – I want MY child – my flesh – my blood “. I don’t think I told her that – I kept it to myself. I thing this may be a reaction many men have when faced with the possibility of becoming an adoptive father. I don’t think this is as much a problem for our better halves – The Wife / Mom. Women are obviously much more maternal about children and I don’t think they ever consider it a problem. My thought is that Men have this problem because

1) According to “Society”- The Man is supposed to carry on his family blood line

2) They just don’t want “Someone else’s Child”.

So when did this feeling go away? You ask. For me – I struggled with it probably right up until our Son Kyle was born. I’m not saying it was a huge concern but it definitely was in the back of my mind, would I be able to bond with this child and be able to love him as my own. Much to my relief and surprise this feeling did go away. When? The very first time held my son Kyle – it was like I never had a doubt – I never ever doubted again that I could love him as my own. Will this be the case for every adoptive father – maybe – maybe not – but I would guess it is the point you as a father will love your child like nothing else.

Another concern you may have as and adoptive Father is “Loss of Control”. This is a concern that affects Women as well as Men when it comes to the adoption process. It really depends on your personality – are you what might be termed a “Control Freak”.. One of the – shall I say “Exciting” things about the adoption process is it is always changing, sometimes quickly – sometimes slowly – sometimes in your favor – sometimes not. The most important thing you must ALWAYS remember is – you are NOT always in control. It’s all happening so FAST! Some times the adoption process can take off like a Rocket – you may not be entirely ready or not be completely sure of the situation but you have to prepare yourself to let go, have faith in whatever higher power you choose. If you are a “Control Freak” you need to take a deep breath and get OVER it. You cannot control the matching process – you have roll with it and be willing to endure many ups and downs. Once you are matched – Birth parents can be difficult, they can make surprise decisions or demands, they can change their minds. All of this, is for the most part out of your control. You have to be willing and able to “Roll With It!

Dollar$ and sense! An adoption is going to cost HOW much!! I think Men might have more of a problem with the cost of adoption – I’m not sure why and I may be wrong, just my opinion. The quickest and easiest way for me to break it down is this. Adoptions can be expensive! Lawyers, Facilitators, Agencies, Birth Mother expenses – these can all add up to a daunting amount of money. I ask adoptive families to look at it this way – what kind of car do you drive? How much did it cost? How many cars do you own? I am in no way saying you should compare a child to a car or am I suggesting you are buying a child. I just want you to put the cost into a perspective that is easier to relate. In this day and age it’s very easy to spend 50 – 60 even $80K dollars on a car. This should help you justify a $20K – $30K overall adoption expense. Again I am not comparing your car to your child – just putting the expense into perspective.

Bottom line – are you making the right decision? Is adoption for you and your wife? You probably have cursed the fact that you and your wife could not get pregnant. I prefer to look at it from a much different angle. I thank the heavens above that my Wife and I could not get pregnant! Yes I am so thankful! Why you ask? For the simple but amazing fact that if we had been able to get pregnant, I never would have met my children! They would be alive and in this world but I never would have met them, never would have held them, never would have loved them! Honestly that blows my mind and gives me chills all at once. Take a second and ponder … somewhere there is a child, he or she might not even have been born yet, a child that is not from your sperm or your wife’s egg. That child is yours and you don’t even know it!

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