Take the Leap

I think one of the hardest things about adoption is the lack of control we feel we have as the potential adoptive parent. Many of us waited to start a family until we finished school, bought a home, established a career…and so on. All things in our control. When we couldn’t get pregnant that first year, we made an appointment with the Dr, started the testing and then the procedures, and while the results were out of our control at least we were still in charge of making the appointments and deciding which procedures to have done. I know so many people who get stuck here, couples who try just “one more” IVF. Couples who will spend up to one and two hundred thousand dollars to be pregnant.
For me the decision was easy, after that second IVF, I knew what I wanted. I don’t know if that’s because I was a Labor and Delivery Nurse and held babies all day and night or was present as this miracle happened each time, but I had no problem imagining that I could love a baby that didn’t come out of me. Years later I found out my husband didn’t exactly feel the same way as I did in the beginning, but once we got started and the night our first son was born…he was a dad, a real dad. So I tell people, I don’t have any biological children, but I am the mother of four and I couldn’t imagine a love any stronger or the need to protect any greater.
One of the habits I see many couples get into once they get to adoption is still trying to hold onto that control, and while I think you need to be informed, and educated, you also need to let life happen. It’s good to have a plan, but don’t be afraid to make changes in that plan if needed. If your working with an agency or facilitator and you’ve been waiting for more than 18 months look around, ask why. How many families are also waiting 18 months. What are your expectations? Are you waiting for a child that doesn’t exist? Are you waiting for a birth mother that doesn’t exist and this is the biggest question, are you waiting for a relationship that everyone else has told you must have for an adoption to be successful? Have you turned down other options to adopt, to be a parent, to be a family for that scenario that you learned about in a class.. for that control. I encourage all of these families that are still waiting, for the situation with the perfect price, the situation for no birth mother expenses, the situation for the birth mom who wants to meet and has a life similar to yours to reassess your goals, your plan. I’m not suggesting anyone to compromise, what I’m suggesting is that you take a look at what you want, that you take a leap, that you trust, that you be okay with the fact that there are some things beyond your control. If you can do this now, you are ready to be a parent.


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