Okay are you ready..my first real meat and potatoes entry..I did mention that I am going to be brutally honest right? I had coffee with a friend the other day and we were talking about new directions we were taking. She’s an adoptive mom too. C. has just left an family based non-profit and is starting her own, providing resources and education for families in need, that’s part my background too. I think I had just gotten off the phone with probably my 7th family this week, that had contacted me for the 20th time this year because they have been waiting for 5 years to adopt and won’t sign a contract with me because they want to keep all their options open. This is the family that I see on all the chat boards complaining about how much adoption costs and can’t understand why they have to pay anyone to help them adopt when all they want is a baby. They can’t understand why anyone could charge a fee for their service when there are so many children in the US who need homes. This is the family that wants only an infant, they must have a complete medical history on both sides of the birth family tree, no signs of any mental illness (that would be tragic because I’m sure they have no signs of any mental illness in any of their families) and no drug use at all. It is important to this family to know how tall the birth mother is and what color her hair is, do we have any pictures of the other children she had had? And it is not enough to talk on the phone, they must meet in person to make sure they “click”. This family also is unwilling to pay any of the birth mother’s living expenses, because after all if she were not in an adoption plan she would have to pay her own expenses. So after about the billionzt family this week..I told my friend that’s it! It was at that moment that I decided. I have been facilitating private adoption for many years, I have worked in foster care, and have been involved in matching families with kids in foster care for adoption. I have always been empathetic and sympathize with my adoptive families, I have been able to match anyone who comes to me with a home study, or at least present them with situations for consideration. The families I haven’t been able to match are the families that have come with their “list”. The list of characteristics they want in a birth mother, the list of items they are not willing to “pay” for -the list of expectations..and I have to ask myself? What kind of position am I putting a child in when the family already has all of these expectations?
I am an adoption facilitator. I am proud of that. I charge a fee for my experience, my educational background, my support and the resources I bring to the table. You don’t have to hire me..but if you do you will probably adopt within a year. I now choose the families that I want to work with. I work with families that want to be parents, who I hope will be great parents, who are excited to be chosen and matched.
I took our 17 year old twins to their physical yesterday with the same pediatrician they have been seeing since they were 4 months old.That’s when my husband and I adopted them. We were working with a facilitator, she contacted us and told us their BM had called they were born 27 weeks and spent first two months of their lives in the NICU. She has had them home for 2 months and could not cope, she had no family support. Being a nurse I knew the complications of pre term delivery but was ready to handle this. Beyond that there seemed to be no other problems, we asked to be presented no medical records reviewed, and found out 24 hours later she choose us. We had a 20 month old son (adopted at birth) we rented a van drove to Fresno 4 hrs away, met BM and twins and drove home with them that night. Our life was changed forever, when they were eight they were diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. One of them has more brain damage then the other and also has CP. The both work, one plays high school athletics and they have many friends all main stream, most kids don’t even know about the brain damage. I could not imagine our lives without our children. I know GOD choose us to be their family. They came to us with no history of drug or alcohol use and no history of mental illness. I now have contact with other half siblings and know that this information was not complete when we received it. The point is it doesn’t matter. You roll the dice when you get pregnant..you roll the dice when you adopt. My Pediatrician wants me to write a book, he promised if I did he would get me on Oprah! One of our twins was sitting there when he said this and his response was “Damn my mom will be famous then!” I’m already famous.. famous with the people who count.